Sunday, November 29, 2009

Trust me.........

I still have trouble saying or admitting out loud that I was verbally and emotionally abused by my ex. Its not easy to accept that you were weak. Its not who I am now. In fact quite the opposite. I struggle often to become able to open myself and my heart up to others. Mainly because I am by nature a very trusting person but being aware of my naive tendances I am always hyper alert to the ease with which I can be taken advantage of.

To trust. To love unrestrained. Unafraid of the potential consequences.

I had a patient very recently who was an assault victim, presumably by their significant other. Pt X had internal bleeding which we were hoping could avoid surgery or any intervention. When we can be conservative it's always better. The risks of surgery, transfusion, or any procedures must be wieghed against the risks of the severity of the injury. Everything we do to patients in the ICU carries great risk, but they are there because of their high risk to begin with.

This patient would have outbursts and need physical restraint to give them sedation and calm them. One of the last things an assault victim should have is physical restraint but there are times when you simply have no choice.

This patient had several outbursts for me but hadn't needed any restraint until one of them was escalating beyond any sedation or talking down. I gave it one last try. Determined to calm them without needing to prolonge their ordeal. I knealt down and came in close. I said "listen you have injuries that are healing but every outburst you seem to drop your blood count again. You need to be able to remain calm and trust us." The patient's response was "I know what you say and think about me. All of you. Don't judge me......"

"No one is judging you. You are a patient who has sustained traumatic injuries and we are your caretakers. No one is saying anything about you. Let us take care of you. You need to stay in bed and rest and allow us to do what we need to do keep you from getting worse." The patient finally calmed and agreed to cooperate. I didn't need to force then down or anything. Thank God.

I've been writing this for a few months, but reading Stephanie's blog about trust today made me come back to it.

My niece was emotionally and verbally abused by her husband. He came back from Iraq and was very different. She left and divorced him.

They just remarried in August and left for Germany for 3 years.

I gave her my full support the last time we saw eachother. I told her, "You're 32 and fully responsible for your actions. I'm sure you've heard more criticism than support, but what you need most is support." We talked about my experiences. I told her how my ex would wake me up every night in the middle of the night. I never knew that was abuse, but I knew it wasn't right. After I left I read alot about nonphysical abuse and seeing a therapist, I learned that what he was doing was a typical syptom of abuse. She heard me relay this story and said "My friend tells me about her husband doing that. I never knew." It's just like another control they can have over you. They like to control as many aspects of your life as they can. I think the worst case scenarios are the ones who gain control of every aspect. Especially when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally.

I wanna be Coffee (author unknown)

(this is an email I recently go and I just couldn't help but share)

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again… A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, 'Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed thehard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile.
Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after
sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest,
do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

May we all be COFFEE!

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Woman's best friend is..................

Woman's best friend ............................ (revised and edited)

Her vibrator.

He'll never leave his towel on the floor
He'll never cheat on you
He'll never stand you up
He'll never break your heart
He'll make sure you get off before he does
He'll never forget your birthday

I don't care if you are in a committed relationsip or not. Every woman should own one and don't leave home without one. Vacations absolutely call for a toy.

If you are reading any of this and saying
"it doesn't apply to me", beacuse you always have a child around. Hey, men find time at least once a day.

Why do you have to be cheated out of your right?

Seriously a little release of tension makes Mommy a much calmer person.

Get a water proof one for the shower, no one has to know it's not the razor. It could be the stress releaver you need. Try searching for something extra quiet. Manufacturers have gotten very smart about targeting mother's needs.

Quiet, small, discreet ..... Nowadays everything exists. You wouldn't believe the stuff out there.

They aren't gonna show up like this either.........

Shop on the internet. Just google vibrators, or through a reputable supplier such as Slumber Parties.

At a demo you can try stuff out without purchasing.

No, you're not sticking any products into anything other than your hand but maybe a heating lotion sample in the bathroom.

Ahhh, the bathroom, thank god someone invented fancy detachable showerheads.

Bathtime isn't just for the kids.......................

Either way you can actually get a warranty, which leads to replacements for those of us who have to replace a couple times a year.

And as long as your kids understand simple privacy, this will never happen.................

Learn to devote some time to yourself.

Romance yourself. How many times do you put yourself last? Bubble bath and candle lights. You are allowed to spend your "me" time anyway you want to.

For those of us who are single, get a few pilllows. They're good for mounting, when you don't have a body to mount. Masturbation can create a great lead up to a sensual encounter. Use it before a party if you think you're gonna have social anxiety because you don't know anyone. No one has to know that's why you are glowing and so outgoing, yet don't know anyone there. Before a stressful meeting so you can land that deal.

If you are spending $75.00/month for a massage of manicures and not getting the fulfillment you once were, try spending the money that month on something different. It could rescucitate a sexless period in a relationship.

Friday, November 20, 2009

We are all our own worst enemy

Have you ever said something that wasn't really you but it sort of made you become it?

Doesn't make any sense, I know.

We are all our own worst enemies. Convince ourselves of untruths. We tell ourselves lies all the time that we

"can't do that",
"I'm not good enough to.....",
"First I have to do x, y, z.... before I can a, b, c..."

We put things off and say the timing isn't right, I am not ready for this, need more money first ......

We get a perception in our mind, of perfection. A picture of how it's supposed to be, because we don't really know what the happiness will look like when we achieve whatever it is that we are fantasizing about. This applies to both women and men. Sometimes it's actually right in front of us and we totally miss it. Like the missing glasses on our head. They were right there the whole time and so was the happiness that we just didn't let in, because of our misconcieved perceptions of perfection.

It's truly amazing, the power of suggestion. We are hypnotizing ourselves all the time and leaving subliminal messages. It's horrible what we do to ourselves. We truly are the one thing in our own way of success in this life.

Its kinda like a type casting that you can't get out of. Usually you screw up and then you get put in that box. However when you put yourself there right from the get go its practically impossible to get out of it whether its true at all or a little or not.

I have two horrible extreme case examples from my life I wish I could change.

Example 1, My ex referred to me as his future ex wife, before we were even engaged. It was meant and to a degree recieved in jest, however when all you hear from someone is the jest and none of the real feelings it eventually defines the relationship and becomes all the feelings that person is expressing. I don't even want to delve into the hidden meaning behind him saying that and me accepting it and later marrying him. Rest assured that it affected my subconscious feelings towards him and the build up of resentments that later followed. We did eventually separate and divorce for many reasons including how he treated me. You see, the term became a self fulfilling prophecy for both of us. I'm not saying it alone was responsible, but when I look back at my failed marrriage it best explains how we were both at fault.

Example 2, I told someone my name was Trouble, literally. Again it was just kidding around, but it lead into a conversation of why I called myself trouble. I am not trouble. I am a good person. I am just like everyone else on this planet, trying my best at this thing called life. I called myself trouble because I am very complex and deep. By calling myself trouble, I was just hoping to be a sronger person. Some tough skinned rebel able to face anything and survive only scathing others. Yes, I have made mistakes and have wild side that I occassionally enjoy thoroughly, but I am far from trouble. This person and I became close but it went down in flames eventually and they believe that they knew me and I do believe that it largely had to do with their tainted perception of me as "Trouble", from the get go. No matter how hard I tried to get out of that definition, I couldn't.

So when you scream at yourself after a mistake, "I'm so stupid", "idiot", "dummy". We are just defeating a learning opportunity. This leads back to perceptions of ourselves and other's perceptions of us. These beliefs are reinforced by the things that we say or ..................................................................

We can change these perceptions, even change our realities. Change is very possible and I have figured out the key to it. Believe it, reinforce it..... Stop defeating ourselves from success.

I have heard of this mentality before several times. It's one of the Four Agreements on Don Miguel Ruiz books. Many authors of self help books have addressed this phenomena before.

Just stop and think. How many lies do we tell ourselves every day? Why do we believe that we are sooooo unworthy of anything that is out there for us? If you want to go do x, y, or z. There is NOTHING stoppng you but yourself.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Good Eats!

I love food. Every aspect of it. There is something about good food that just feels like home, especially around the holidays. Being the youngest of 8, even when we have a small gathering it's still big. So to feed alot of people there needs to be alot of food. It also helps that we are all good cooks :)

I have only made a Thanksgiving dinner myself once. The key is in the timing. You need to be organized and plan ahead to have everything arrive to the table still warm and fully cooked yet not over cooked. You definitely need to pace yourself and not get frazzled either. I learned a long time ago that rushing good food RUINS it!! On that note I sooooo miss cooking, but I've gotten used to being single and I can't stand wasting food. So I really don't cook as much as I used to.

My one tip for turkey is a paste I make with olive oil and butter and assorted seasonings. Depending on the mood I might vary the seasoning on chicken but for turkey I use poultry seasonings. For fun if there is time I will make butter pats ahead in candy molds. Little turkeys. They're so cute!

So here's my recipes for my Mom's stuffing and my signature white chocolate cheesecake.

Elsie's Stuffing

2 loaves of King white bread
2 lbs of sausage
1/2 lb margarine
1 whole bunch celery
4 lg onions
3 T poultry seasonings
2 t thyme
2 T parsley
4 beaten eggs
1 T garlic powder
2 t salt
1 t pepper
1 qt chicken broth

2 weeks ahead dice 2 loaves of bread and put in 2 brown bags to dry. Shake bags daily. Take the skin off of the sausage and cut up into pan and brown slowly. Take out and chop coarsely in food processor. Leave fat in pan and add maragarine and allow to melt. Chop celery and onions coarsely in food processor and saute til clear. Add sausage and broth then suate 10 minutes. Add onions, celery and sausage to bread cubes in large roasting pan. Add eggs and half of soup then seasonings and mix. If bread is dry add soup until wet. Can freeze in foil or bake right away next to turkey never inside. Bake at 350 for 1 hour.

White Chocolate Cheesecake

I love vanilla and sweets, so I always add extra vanilla to this and my cut out cookies. A sign of a good recipe is when the paper is stained with the foods and it's aromas like this one is. reminds me of my childrens books growing up and how they always wound up in the kitchen stained with vanilla when I would steal the beaters to lick after my mom was done with them.

4 packages cream cheese softened to room temperature
1 c sugar
1/2 c sour cream
6 large eggs
1/3 c whipping cream
8 oz white chocolate
1 T vanilla extract

Allow all ingredients to sit to come to room temperature. Get quality white chocolate if you can. Giardelli is always good. Melt until there are still a few chunks and sit aside to cool down but not harden it will continue to melt further and you may want some small chunks of chocolate in the cheesecake. Chocolate can be melted in double boiler, or microwave. Be careful to melt slowly 30 seconds at a time in microwave. If you don't have a double boiler use a small pot for chocolate over a large pot of boiling water, just be absolutely carfeul not to allow any water at all into the chocolate!

Heat oven to 350 and wrap the exterior of a 10 inch springform pan with double thickness alunminum foil. This step is to allow the cheesecake to bake in a water bath, so the foil is to keep any water from seeping into it while it bakes. The water bath keeps it from cracking, a very common occurence with cheesecakes. Have a large lasagna pan with water ready to fit the springform pan into later when ready to bake.

Beat cream cheese until soft. Add sugar and beat until smooth. Add sour cream and mix until smoooth again. Beat in eggs 2 at a time. Add cream and mix well. Beat in chocolate add vanilla and mix well. Be careful with modern mixers, they tend to overbeat and be too powerful, so stop the mixer in between steps. Place mixture into springform pan, then place pan in water bath with enough water to come up the sides about a 1/8 inch. Bake until set but still wiggles in center alittle bit about 1hour and 35 minutes. I always find I need alot more time than that but stoves vary. Be very careful when removing from oven because of the hot water. Remove from bath right away and allow to cool for 30 minutes. Then refrigerate til cold.

And don't forget to be thankful! There is always always always something to be thankful for.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Need a change?

As a kid growing up, my parents did something I never knew anyone else to do.

Rearrange furniture.....................

In the Spring the tv and couch would switch places and the rest kind of just found spots around the room. In the Fall vice versa. I suppose it had something to do with heating, sunlight, and door/window accessability. Really how often do you open the windows in the Winter, unless you're me but it still doesn't stop me. Then you're just gonna have to make room for a Christmas tree eventually so why not do it ahead before the hustle and bustle of the holidays.

It reenergizes a room. Kind of starts things fresh.

It's recommended for you if you are going through anything difficult. A breakup, can't find a job, life changing events.......

I love changing things around. Different is always good. When you get stuck in a rut, variety can give you a great new perspective along with a euphoria. The adrenaline rush of moving heavy furniture doesn't hurt either. Lol.

Since I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and hadn't planned on staying here this long I have put it off for over 2 years. I have an enormous sectional, so no matter what I do I'm still pretty cramped, but today I did it and it feels GREAT!!!!

Try it. Even just one room, a drawer, a closet..... It feels so good.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Infidelity is not only for villains

I just saw Cosi Fan Tutte. It means "thus do they all". It's an opera by Mozart. A friend bets two soldiers that even their very own sworn ladies in waiting would turn on their fiances and become unfaithful in their absence. He tells them to pretend to go off to War. Meanwhile they would disguise themselves and go after opposite fiances as scoundrel suitors feeding on their grief that their loves have gone off to War. The women protest and defend their own valour with grace and devotion but ...... They eventually are worn down and give in and in fact decide to marry these men and move away immediately.

Thing is everybody is capable of cheating. When I was young and first learning of what infidelity is, I didn't understand it. It is a very adult and complex concept. There are far too many variables. When I was young the only people I knew of who cheated were always bad people. The villains in movies or the villains in the world that others spoke of .... You know, the neighbor down the street, the lady at the hairsalon that everyone whispered about, my very own grandfather cheated and divorced my grandmother in the 1930's, the slutty people in high school with reputations.

Late in life as I got older I realized it's just not that simple to say that anyone's character is poor or weak of they have ever been unfaithful to another. It's wrong and unfair. What's that quote? "Judge not lest ye be judged themselves" or walk a mile in another persons shoes. I could think of worse acts people can commit against others and believe it or not even in those situations you still don't know what really happened. I'm not saying any of it isn't wrong and that people shouldn't fess up and apologize and repent. 75% of the people I know of cheating right now are actually really good people who always said they would never do it. I myself crossed forbidden lines while married. Only years after I was destroyed by a boyfriend's infidelity.

I think alot of this all ties back to something that came up in CC's blog. Expectations. People need to not live in a fairy tale world. We have to see through the eyes of reality. I'm not saying love is dead. I don't want love to be dead, just as much as all the overly romantic people who wear their hearts on their sleeve, don't want love to be dead either. As long as people break out of these dumb fairy tale molds, "real" and lasting true love can be possible. Realize that the stories are nice and appreciate that the grand gestures are beautiful, but that it takes more than just a few hours, weeks or months and words shared to be special and rise above everything that failed in the past. Communication and understanding what eachother wants. Enjoying what it is at the time, because not every love is truly long lasting. It doesn't devalue it. It's still love. There is nothing wrong with it not being forever. Look at all the forevers out there who are just being fooled. We live in an instant gratification world and true and lasting love is actually quite patient and boring from the outsiders view. Maybe that's why those outsiders are going onto their third "Mr. or Mrs. Right" while the original couple is actually finally reaching that level of reality, past all the outrageous expectations. Maybe that couple even dealt with infidelity. In the right couple infidelity will actually give them strength and renew their love all that much more.