Sunday, November 8, 2009

Infidelity is not only for villains

I just saw Cosi Fan Tutte. It means "thus do they all". It's an opera by Mozart. A friend bets two soldiers that even their very own sworn ladies in waiting would turn on their fiances and become unfaithful in their absence. He tells them to pretend to go off to War. Meanwhile they would disguise themselves and go after opposite fiances as scoundrel suitors feeding on their grief that their loves have gone off to War. The women protest and defend their own valour with grace and devotion but ...... They eventually are worn down and give in and in fact decide to marry these men and move away immediately.

Thing is everybody is capable of cheating. When I was young and first learning of what infidelity is, I didn't understand it. It is a very adult and complex concept. There are far too many variables. When I was young the only people I knew of who cheated were always bad people. The villains in movies or the villains in the world that others spoke of .... You know, the neighbor down the street, the lady at the hairsalon that everyone whispered about, my very own grandfather cheated and divorced my grandmother in the 1930's, the slutty people in high school with reputations.

Late in life as I got older I realized it's just not that simple to say that anyone's character is poor or weak of they have ever been unfaithful to another. It's wrong and unfair. What's that quote? "Judge not lest ye be judged themselves" or walk a mile in another persons shoes. I could think of worse acts people can commit against others and believe it or not even in those situations you still don't know what really happened. I'm not saying any of it isn't wrong and that people shouldn't fess up and apologize and repent. 75% of the people I know of cheating right now are actually really good people who always said they would never do it. I myself crossed forbidden lines while married. Only years after I was destroyed by a boyfriend's infidelity.

I think alot of this all ties back to something that came up in CC's blog. Expectations. People need to not live in a fairy tale world. We have to see through the eyes of reality. I'm not saying love is dead. I don't want love to be dead, just as much as all the overly romantic people who wear their hearts on their sleeve, don't want love to be dead either. As long as people break out of these dumb fairy tale molds, "real" and lasting true love can be possible. Realize that the stories are nice and appreciate that the grand gestures are beautiful, but that it takes more than just a few hours, weeks or months and words shared to be special and rise above everything that failed in the past. Communication and understanding what eachother wants. Enjoying what it is at the time, because not every love is truly long lasting. It doesn't devalue it. It's still love. There is nothing wrong with it not being forever. Look at all the forevers out there who are just being fooled. We live in an instant gratification world and true and lasting love is actually quite patient and boring from the outsiders view. Maybe that's why those outsiders are going onto their third "Mr. or Mrs. Right" while the original couple is actually finally reaching that level of reality, past all the outrageous expectations. Maybe that couple even dealt with infidelity. In the right couple infidelity will actually give them strength and renew their love all that much more.


  1. I think there are people who just wouldn't's not in them. They have too strong a morality. But those people are few and far between.

    The thing is, everyone has a breaking point. If they've suffered neglect long enough, then someone comes along when they're out. The best you can do is make sure you work to keep your relationship alive but then there are people who cheat even when a relationship is strong.

  2. Thanks for stopping by Steph. I always wanted to believe in that, but in the reality of it all. I really don't think it exists.

    It's hard to imagine cheating when things are good but, yes sadly it does happen. Again I can't believe 100% that it is the end. It's definitely a symptom/warning. The serial cheaters are a totally different breed of person, but a good person gone bad happens.

  3. So what you saying is that my wife of 40 years has already cheated on me, because the 'odds' say so? Not saying you're wrong, just looking for clarification. Thanks

  4. No. Every relationship is individual. I am saying however that even the nicest and best intended people could cheat. It's not odds. It's just humanity. We all think we are living in some fairy tale world where reality doesn't touch us. Steph wrote a great blog about how we judge others because we so obbnoxiously assume that "it", whatever that it may be, could never happen to ourselves. To assume that anyone of us is above the laws of human nature is wrong and we are esentially putting someone up on a pedestal. On that very same note, your wife of 40 years may still be just as in love with you today as she was 40 years ago. No one can assume that everlasting love is not possible either. I think we just all have to live in the reality and keep in touch with our relationships and where "we" are at as a relationship. Never taking eachother for granted.